Just for the record, I AM still trying to be consistent in blogging, but I've had one hell of a week. Not necessarily bad, but I've been working about 9-10 hours a day everyday for the last couple weeks. Walking apartments in the blistering heat, smiling, greeting, leasing, loving, helping, doing......AAAH! (haha) :) It's actually been a good week, just a very kinetic one. So, here's an update in all the senses. **
I've been listening to a lot of different things. . .oh Shanon the eclectic one. Here we go: Kings of Leon (current rock/pop group), Kari Jobe (Christian artist and someone I know from Texas.), Stevie Nicks (brilliant songwriter, powerful chops), Velvet Revolver (thanks to Ethan I now know that the band is composed of most of the Guns N Roses Crew and the lead singer from Stone Temple Pilots), old Dixie Chicks (wow....I know...I know. Dont' judge me). . .
I've been watching nonstop 'House' episodes (which I got at Best Buy thus receiving a $5 gift card-yay) which have been the best thing like...ever. It's a GREAT show. Laugh out loud funny, informative, good story lines, unique. . .
(I've intentionally stopped watching any type of Dateline or TMZ or Extra, since it is mostly about Michael Jackson, whom I actually think was very misunderstood and I enjoy his music very much . . .but come on!! Too much coverage is making even those who loved him, hate him. Sheesh.
I've been smelling a lot of rasberry/vanilla candles, since I just got them at Walmart and have been romancing myself for the last couple weeks. . . .(wow. romancing myself sounds scandalous. . .I'll say no more). I've been making a lot of baked goods (not unusual for me), so the aroma of vanilla creme or German chocolate has been amidst my olafactory senses lately. :)
I've been touching my new pet. Ok. Let me rephrase that: (or just explain more). I recently bought a very large fake green plant (shh don't tell him he's fake). His name is Dramatique Elevatesque Sloan. I know, it sounds like some contrived European bullshit name (minus the Irish Canadian last name) ha!!, but it is true to his nature. (What?) The thing is seriously over the top. Drama. Its leaves flow over my kitchen sink and almost as low as my couch as it promitately announces its importance in the room. Maybe he's a gay plant too. I'm not sure. We don't know each other all that well yet. But he's damn beautiful and he is on my counter looking over the apartment, hence the Elevatesque middle name. I was considering getting a pet (thank you Ryan for offering to accompany me to this very emotional event), but why get a real live thing that costs money and pees everywhere when you can just get a vibrant, green wonder which doesn't require watering, feeding or poop scooping. It's fabulous really. . .
I plan on getting a dog later. I do. . .but for now, Dramatique is the Queen of this domain, and if any of you ever come over, you'll see for yourself. :)
I've been tasting really freaking good Belgian Beer. Specifically Val-Diex and Mared Sous. . .SOOO good. Please go out to your nearest Liquor store and purchase. . . then partake of such beverages. I've also been tasting a lot of shakes and vitamin drinks, since I'm trying to up my protein/vitamin C intake. . .I prefer "Naked". (Hmm. I wonder if that's the first time someone has preferred something Naked.). . . :)
Anyways, so that's been me the last while in all the five senses.
And you know me, I can't leave you without some thoughtful question or statement. Here goes:
Can we truly believe in something that we cannot actually live up to?. . . or if we can't, does that mean that we don't truly believe in it? Does what we believe define us? Some people I've talked to think that what one does is more important than some random set of ideals someone has in their head. . .perhaps true, BUT don't the thoughts we have in our head (hence our beliefs) dictate the things we do?? Suppose they can't be separated. . .
Food for thought. . . as my friend once said--"if one is so inclined"
Everything is a choice.
LOVE!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Joys of my life, as of late
Good, wonderful, amazing, joyful things in my life.
In no particular order:
1) Long, kinetic, rich, (arms waving) animated, truthful conversations with Nicole on my couch which last for hours. (She's one of my most cherished friends who lives 8 hours away and I only get to see her like 5 times a year, so I take advantage of every minute I have with her.) She came over last night. . .
Best quotes of the night from her: "Wow, this is like a Five Star hotel, Shan. . .wine, dessert, strawberries brought to me. . .I don't even know what to say."
(How she were to describe me if talking to someone else): "Shanon is one of the most unique people I know. She's introspective, creative, has cute style, so talented and the best writer I know.". . . " (aww)
(Said in an excited/fast Nicole talking style): "I think you need to be around someone (a person) who is more structured than you. . .not that you're NOT a capable human being, obviously I mean you have an apartment and you're like here and stuff. . .but you know, someone or people less "freeish" than you." HAHA. (insert Shanon laughing. I'm glad you recognize me as a functioning, capable human, Nic!" I love you for even saying that.
So, it was a great time with her. I admire her more than anyone and she's gonna be back in a few weeks. WOW! Twice in one month. Miraculous. hehe. :0 She brings me joy.
2) Hanging out with my friend Ryan. . . . . .There is so much to say. Contrary to the fact that one night I told him that he should maybe consider doing stand-up comedy because he is "kinda funny" (I actually said "kinda" --talk about a half ass compliment), in actuality, I think he is one of ,if not THE funniest person I've ever met. . .so I've been choking on that comment of mine ever since. It doesn't help that he's been reminding me of those fateful words everyday since. . .
Him: "Oh....were you laughing, Shanon? (my name said with a very open "a" sound) . . .because I didn't think I was THAT funny?!". . . type thing. . .
Me: "yeah. yeah. ok. (thinking to myself: "I'll torture you with a sock...be careful.")
So, Ryan has an extreme fear of socks. I kid you not. (He might be mad that I'm sharing this, but it's the best thing I've heard in years, so I couldn't help it. Plus, he's in Maryland for a couple weeks, so he can't kill me from there.) Basically, a sock hand puppet show is his version of hell (or even a random sock lying on the floor is as scary as a serpent). . .and jogging pants (another such frightening sight for him) is equivalent to the Devil himself. He is probably more quirky and random than I am. (I can't even believe I'm saying this.) if only our story hours were taped. . .or as he might say, "I'm not so sure that should be documented" So, when we have conversations, one can imagine how ridiculous and full of life and oh the questions and zanny ideas which come about. I think he is an exquisite person. He brings me joy.
3) I don't have a mousepad, so I have resorted to using random flat items as replacements. I'm not sure that I have a goal of ever getting a real mousepad. . .but, I realized lately the random things I have used have been like. . .crazy. The reason my "mousepad" changes so often is because I am always re-arranging things in my apartment and as a result, there just happens to be a new item available for good mousepadedness. . .Without further ado. . .
Here is the list of things I have used: The back of a cheap pink ring binder from CVS, a picture of me and a friend taken at a mall photo booth in 1998, Ultraviolet lyrics (Light my way) from a U2 CD Jacket, A card from a male friend who doesn't like girls and it states on the front, "If i was stuck on a deserted island with you, I would't even try to get off. . .", a wooden coaster from Walmart, Three poems that Ryan gave me, and one night when I had a couple glasses of wine. . .I used a flip flop since it was the only thing nearest to me and one tends to be less picky under those conditions. ;) My everchanging mousepad adventures bring me joy.
Here are some more joyful things as of late:
4) My mom telling me she is proud of me.
5) My brother and I sharing a love for String Theory and Quantum Physics in general.
6) Stevie Nicks and her raw, powerful voice.
7) My new apartment layout (I should take pictures.)
8) realizing that fact and truth are entirely different
9) good conversations that last in my mind and heart for days and days.
10) loving my life from the very core, despite the fact that my nose is peeling and everyone notices it.
11) Random ladies who look like Aunt Jamima and ask for a ride at the gas station, ultimately blessing my life and reminding me of what is important as we sit at an old warehouse parking lot in the middle of Frenchtown while three or more drug deals go down. . .
12) Talking to my Aunt Charmaine, my mom's baby sister, whom I haven't talked to in years and having one of the most delightful 30 minutes of commuinication I've ever experienced.
13) The movie "Away We Go"
14) Tiramasu
15) The many wonderful people in my life who love me and are brave enough to say things to make me better, both in encouragment and constructive criticism.
16) Anne Lammott books
17) Ryan Adams
18) Giving due praise to those who deserve it, letting go of what I cannot control, doing what I say I am going to do even if it really sucks.
19) dancing without restraint, butterflies that I can't get away from, a clean bathtub, closure instead of procrastination (thanks Luke), being reminded that I am a peculiar treasure and there is no need to compare myself to anyone else's success, talent or beauty. There is no one else quite like me, and we need to help each other. I hope we can all have that perspective, and maybe we'd stop fighting against each other so much.
20) The continual love, support, acceptance, humor and depth of connection which my friend Rob confirms to me on a daily basis. He is the most precious thing to me. I hope he knows it.
21) Office episodes. Best line from season 5: (after Phyllis stuffs Jesus, his manger and all the holy family into a drawer as she tells Angela (a devout Christian) that it doesn't match the Moraacan Christmas theme)
Angela to the cameras: "I will not judge her for what she did, but I do know someone who WILL judge her, and Phyllis just stuffed Him into a drawer. . ."
HAHA!
There is so much more, but that's all I've got for now. :)
As always,
LOVE!!!!!!!
In no particular order:
1) Long, kinetic, rich, (arms waving) animated, truthful conversations with Nicole on my couch which last for hours. (She's one of my most cherished friends who lives 8 hours away and I only get to see her like 5 times a year, so I take advantage of every minute I have with her.) She came over last night. . .
Best quotes of the night from her: "Wow, this is like a Five Star hotel, Shan. . .wine, dessert, strawberries brought to me. . .I don't even know what to say."
(How she were to describe me if talking to someone else): "Shanon is one of the most unique people I know. She's introspective, creative, has cute style, so talented and the best writer I know.". . . " (aww)
(Said in an excited/fast Nicole talking style): "I think you need to be around someone (a person) who is more structured than you. . .not that you're NOT a capable human being, obviously I mean you have an apartment and you're like here and stuff. . .but you know, someone or people less "freeish" than you." HAHA. (insert Shanon laughing. I'm glad you recognize me as a functioning, capable human, Nic!" I love you for even saying that.
So, it was a great time with her. I admire her more than anyone and she's gonna be back in a few weeks. WOW! Twice in one month. Miraculous. hehe. :0 She brings me joy.
2) Hanging out with my friend Ryan. . . . . .There is so much to say. Contrary to the fact that one night I told him that he should maybe consider doing stand-up comedy because he is "kinda funny" (I actually said "kinda" --talk about a half ass compliment), in actuality, I think he is one of ,if not THE funniest person I've ever met. . .so I've been choking on that comment of mine ever since. It doesn't help that he's been reminding me of those fateful words everyday since. . .
Him: "Oh....were you laughing, Shanon? (my name said with a very open "a" sound) . . .because I didn't think I was THAT funny?!". . . type thing. . .
Me: "yeah. yeah. ok. (thinking to myself: "I'll torture you with a sock...be careful.")
So, Ryan has an extreme fear of socks. I kid you not. (He might be mad that I'm sharing this, but it's the best thing I've heard in years, so I couldn't help it. Plus, he's in Maryland for a couple weeks, so he can't kill me from there.) Basically, a sock hand puppet show is his version of hell (or even a random sock lying on the floor is as scary as a serpent). . .and jogging pants (another such frightening sight for him) is equivalent to the Devil himself. He is probably more quirky and random than I am. (I can't even believe I'm saying this.) if only our story hours were taped. . .or as he might say, "I'm not so sure that should be documented" So, when we have conversations, one can imagine how ridiculous and full of life and oh the questions and zanny ideas which come about. I think he is an exquisite person. He brings me joy.
3) I don't have a mousepad, so I have resorted to using random flat items as replacements. I'm not sure that I have a goal of ever getting a real mousepad. . .but, I realized lately the random things I have used have been like. . .crazy. The reason my "mousepad" changes so often is because I am always re-arranging things in my apartment and as a result, there just happens to be a new item available for good mousepadedness. . .Without further ado. . .
Here is the list of things I have used: The back of a cheap pink ring binder from CVS, a picture of me and a friend taken at a mall photo booth in 1998, Ultraviolet lyrics (Light my way) from a U2 CD Jacket, A card from a male friend who doesn't like girls and it states on the front, "If i was stuck on a deserted island with you, I would't even try to get off. . .", a wooden coaster from Walmart, Three poems that Ryan gave me, and one night when I had a couple glasses of wine. . .I used a flip flop since it was the only thing nearest to me and one tends to be less picky under those conditions. ;) My everchanging mousepad adventures bring me joy.
Here are some more joyful things as of late:
4) My mom telling me she is proud of me.
5) My brother and I sharing a love for String Theory and Quantum Physics in general.
6) Stevie Nicks and her raw, powerful voice.
7) My new apartment layout (I should take pictures.)
8) realizing that fact and truth are entirely different
9) good conversations that last in my mind and heart for days and days.
10) loving my life from the very core, despite the fact that my nose is peeling and everyone notices it.
11) Random ladies who look like Aunt Jamima and ask for a ride at the gas station, ultimately blessing my life and reminding me of what is important as we sit at an old warehouse parking lot in the middle of Frenchtown while three or more drug deals go down. . .
12) Talking to my Aunt Charmaine, my mom's baby sister, whom I haven't talked to in years and having one of the most delightful 30 minutes of commuinication I've ever experienced.
13) The movie "Away We Go"
14) Tiramasu
15) The many wonderful people in my life who love me and are brave enough to say things to make me better, both in encouragment and constructive criticism.
16) Anne Lammott books
17) Ryan Adams
18) Giving due praise to those who deserve it, letting go of what I cannot control, doing what I say I am going to do even if it really sucks.
19) dancing without restraint, butterflies that I can't get away from, a clean bathtub, closure instead of procrastination (thanks Luke), being reminded that I am a peculiar treasure and there is no need to compare myself to anyone else's success, talent or beauty. There is no one else quite like me, and we need to help each other. I hope we can all have that perspective, and maybe we'd stop fighting against each other so much.
20) The continual love, support, acceptance, humor and depth of connection which my friend Rob confirms to me on a daily basis. He is the most precious thing to me. I hope he knows it.
21) Office episodes. Best line from season 5: (after Phyllis stuffs Jesus, his manger and all the holy family into a drawer as she tells Angela (a devout Christian) that it doesn't match the Moraacan Christmas theme)
Angela to the cameras: "I will not judge her for what she did, but I do know someone who WILL judge her, and Phyllis just stuffed Him into a drawer. . ."
HAHA!
There is so much more, but that's all I've got for now. :)
As always,
LOVE!!!!!!!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Entanglement: Thoughts on connectedness and seperation
So many of you know that I love Quantum Physics and I am prone to parallel many of its concepts with spiritual ideas. It's actually amazing how much they conicide. Not surprising to me, actually. Lately, a certain theme has been tugging at me over and over again--Connectedness, seperation and the question if losing something is possible, or if it is in fact lost that easily shouldn't one ask themselves if they ever truly "had" it to begin with? Lost love, lost faith, lost confidence or whatever the thing might be. Or. . .is it that we haven't really lost it at all, despite how it seems. I'm not sure I have all the answers, and different situations are likely to reach their own unique conclusion, but today after being reminded about the physics idea of "Entanglement", the concept shed a lot of light on my questions.
Quantum Entanglement is basically the idea that despite two objects being spatially seperated, they are still connected. For example, two particles could be seperated whether by a few miles or by a whole universe and if one of them is modified, the other one undergoes the same changes. The one object cannot be adaquately described without its counterpart. What effects one, effects the other and no matter how far a part they go, they are not actually seperate. Conventional wisdom, and science tells us that if two entities or particles are in two different places, they are independent of each other, so that means entanglement goes againsts all that we've learned is logical, yet ongoing experiements prove this bizarre occurence to be true again and again. . .
In addition to that idea, quantum physics shows us that once something is joined, it is always connected and that the matrix in which those things are joined is holographic, meaning that any portion of the field contains everything else in the field. Generally, we tend to think of space as an "emptiness", when in fact if space was vacant, then how do the waves of energy allow our cell phones to transmit calls or reflected light to bring these words you are reading to your eyes?? Something must exist that conveys the vibrations of life from one point to another. If we were to imagine space as empty, it would be dark and silent, since there would be nothing for lightwaves to pass through or for sound to be trasmitted by. They need a medium. My point is, in any seeming space between people, objects and universes--there is still a net of sorts holding everything together. It isn't a space in the way we are used to thinking about it, at least. That is why when two particles are truly connected and then seperated, no matter where they each go or what happens to one, the other cannot escape the same experience as its counterpart.
I've been thinking about that verse in the Bible that talks about how nothing can seperate us from the love of God.
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God. . ."
It has always been a "nice little verse" to me, but it has never been so powerful as it has been when applied to the ideas that Quantum Physics proposes.
Since, QP shows us that we are in an ever-present continuum, where the past, present and future are intimately joined (think of a big, growing circle that encompasses them all), that means "present nor things to come" cannnot seperate us from the truth of the source that beget us, and since it is the "physics of possibility" that means that death and life and height and depth are not gaps, but a string of waves moving from one to another fluidly. It also shows us that as we persist in the assumption that our desires have already been fulfilled, our world inevidably conforms to our assumption. And a created being can never sever what is intrinsically joined by the creator simply because its power is ineffective. If we only believed this and lived by it. . .
Now, it makes sense how something true and intrinsc cannot be seperated by anything.. But how do we know if it was true to begin with? And if someone loses something, lost so easily...one has to wonder if it was ever real, right? Was there ever really a connection? What is the criteria for such a thing? Or do many things come to lie to us to stop us from seeing how real it was/is and we need to believe it is a part of us despite the fact that it only SEEMS far. Maybe the distance is actually the illusion. Maybe that's what the term "Love fights" means. . .it fights the illusions, which ironically are the things we think are real.
The only thing I can come up with for now, is maybe there are better questions to ask. . .
A friend of mine told me that when we ask the right questions, the answers are obvious.
Hmm.
So, those are my thoughts for the day. I was so tempted to entitle this "Enshanglement"... I resisted the temptation, but I just had to make note of it at some point. HAHA.
Less mentally constipating material to come in upcoming blogs. I promise! :)
Quantum Entanglement is basically the idea that despite two objects being spatially seperated, they are still connected. For example, two particles could be seperated whether by a few miles or by a whole universe and if one of them is modified, the other one undergoes the same changes. The one object cannot be adaquately described without its counterpart. What effects one, effects the other and no matter how far a part they go, they are not actually seperate. Conventional wisdom, and science tells us that if two entities or particles are in two different places, they are independent of each other, so that means entanglement goes againsts all that we've learned is logical, yet ongoing experiements prove this bizarre occurence to be true again and again. . .
In addition to that idea, quantum physics shows us that once something is joined, it is always connected and that the matrix in which those things are joined is holographic, meaning that any portion of the field contains everything else in the field. Generally, we tend to think of space as an "emptiness", when in fact if space was vacant, then how do the waves of energy allow our cell phones to transmit calls or reflected light to bring these words you are reading to your eyes?? Something must exist that conveys the vibrations of life from one point to another. If we were to imagine space as empty, it would be dark and silent, since there would be nothing for lightwaves to pass through or for sound to be trasmitted by. They need a medium. My point is, in any seeming space between people, objects and universes--there is still a net of sorts holding everything together. It isn't a space in the way we are used to thinking about it, at least. That is why when two particles are truly connected and then seperated, no matter where they each go or what happens to one, the other cannot escape the same experience as its counterpart.
I've been thinking about that verse in the Bible that talks about how nothing can seperate us from the love of God.
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God. . ."
It has always been a "nice little verse" to me, but it has never been so powerful as it has been when applied to the ideas that Quantum Physics proposes.
Since, QP shows us that we are in an ever-present continuum, where the past, present and future are intimately joined (think of a big, growing circle that encompasses them all), that means "present nor things to come" cannnot seperate us from the truth of the source that beget us, and since it is the "physics of possibility" that means that death and life and height and depth are not gaps, but a string of waves moving from one to another fluidly. It also shows us that as we persist in the assumption that our desires have already been fulfilled, our world inevidably conforms to our assumption. And a created being can never sever what is intrinsically joined by the creator simply because its power is ineffective. If we only believed this and lived by it. . .
Now, it makes sense how something true and intrinsc cannot be seperated by anything.. But how do we know if it was true to begin with? And if someone loses something, lost so easily...one has to wonder if it was ever real, right? Was there ever really a connection? What is the criteria for such a thing? Or do many things come to lie to us to stop us from seeing how real it was/is and we need to believe it is a part of us despite the fact that it only SEEMS far. Maybe the distance is actually the illusion. Maybe that's what the term "Love fights" means. . .it fights the illusions, which ironically are the things we think are real.
The only thing I can come up with for now, is maybe there are better questions to ask. . .
A friend of mine told me that when we ask the right questions, the answers are obvious.
Hmm.
So, those are my thoughts for the day. I was so tempted to entitle this "Enshanglement"... I resisted the temptation, but I just had to make note of it at some point. HAHA.
Less mentally constipating material to come in upcoming blogs. I promise! :)
Sunday, July 5, 2009
My True Self Happy
I've been terrible about being consistent in blogging, but I am trying to be better at being faithful about a lot of things, so here is my mere attempt at that virtue. . .
My brother and I had a conversation the other day in which he told me to "get my shit together." in which I replied, "I'm trying." He then said, "Well, try harder." . . . I said, "Ok, that's fair enough. I can take that." (He is very straight forward and covered in tattoos, but underneath it all, he means well and is filled with an unusual amount of kindness.)
He loves me, or else he wouldn't have said that. I know that about him, if I may know nothing else.
So, this is me trying harder, I suppose.
For those of you who don't know this (which I presume is a lot of the people reading this--God I hope someone is reading this. haha.) Monday June 22, 2009 was the start of a brand new life for me. My mom and I reconciled after years and years of turmoil. It happened over a 4 hour phone conversation which begun at 6am, but a beautiful and healing conversation nevertheless. :) I decided that day that I would be honest with myself no matter how difficult it might be, that I would never again compromise myself for anyone or anything else, that I would accept my blood family despite their flaws and not look for family in any other family except my own, and that no matter how imperfect my mother may have been, she is still my mother and I have been unfair in believing that she didn't deserve a second chance or that she could actually have changed in all this time we've been a part. I have coined it, "The conversation of my life" and now that we are bonded again, it seems that no matter what happens to me, as long as I know she is on my side, I can conquer anything. I also decided that day that I would not allow any man or relationship to replace or come between the relationship I have with God. God is God. There is no love like his and there is nothing like my own family. I realized that no matter what happens at the end of the day, they will both be there with open arms, and no matter how far I run or where I go, that is still true.
Just because something is a seeming reality or fact, doesn't mean it is truth. The fact might be that I feel sad sometimes or estranged from God's love or from my mother, but the truth is that they are always FOR me and neither of them will forsake me in my weakness. No matter what happens, every situation I face is a testimonial and living proof of their steadfast goodness in my life, if I will only be open to realizing that.
In my darkest depair that fateful day, I was reminded in the stark silence to "Go Home" because I've been running from what is true. . .and I've been making my clumsy way back there every day since, even in the smallest ways. . .listening more, being a better friend, facing things I'm afraid of, learning to let go, doing what I say I am going to do, making use of constructive criticism, loving despite circumstance, laughing every chance I get, being thankful to God constantly. . .
It's funny how synchronistic things can be once you become aligned once again with what is right. Since I made those decisions that day, my life has had so much more meaning than it has had in a long time. . .or maybe it's not that it is suddenly "much more meaningful" but more that I am in a position now which allows for truth and goodness to invade my whole being without prideful or blind restraint. . .
I am more open to God's voice. Not that he wasn't speaking the whole time.
There is a quote which has spoken me very deeply:
"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
And so I'm blossoming. . . despite the sacrifice, discomfort and complexity.
It's worth it.
Anyways, I do think that making any life altering decision to start over is the hardest part, but even after the decision, it requires one to dedicate him/herself to the arduous and tedious task of paying attention to that choice every second after, to monitor the direction of your heart in moments you feel like giving in and to train the habit of our faith. Afterall, our moods have a tendency to rebel against our true self. I really like this C.S. quote which says exactly that, but more eloquently.
"Faith is the art of holding on to the things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods."
So, I will try "my hardest" :) to hold on to writing consistently, not only because discipline is a good practice, but because it makes my true self happy, despite the fact that my mood tells me I don't feel like doing it.
And that, my friends is my first post.
I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July.
LOVE!
My brother and I had a conversation the other day in which he told me to "get my shit together." in which I replied, "I'm trying." He then said, "Well, try harder." . . . I said, "Ok, that's fair enough. I can take that." (He is very straight forward and covered in tattoos, but underneath it all, he means well and is filled with an unusual amount of kindness.)
He loves me, or else he wouldn't have said that. I know that about him, if I may know nothing else.
So, this is me trying harder, I suppose.
For those of you who don't know this (which I presume is a lot of the people reading this--God I hope someone is reading this. haha.) Monday June 22, 2009 was the start of a brand new life for me. My mom and I reconciled after years and years of turmoil. It happened over a 4 hour phone conversation which begun at 6am, but a beautiful and healing conversation nevertheless. :) I decided that day that I would be honest with myself no matter how difficult it might be, that I would never again compromise myself for anyone or anything else, that I would accept my blood family despite their flaws and not look for family in any other family except my own, and that no matter how imperfect my mother may have been, she is still my mother and I have been unfair in believing that she didn't deserve a second chance or that she could actually have changed in all this time we've been a part. I have coined it, "The conversation of my life" and now that we are bonded again, it seems that no matter what happens to me, as long as I know she is on my side, I can conquer anything. I also decided that day that I would not allow any man or relationship to replace or come between the relationship I have with God. God is God. There is no love like his and there is nothing like my own family. I realized that no matter what happens at the end of the day, they will both be there with open arms, and no matter how far I run or where I go, that is still true.
Just because something is a seeming reality or fact, doesn't mean it is truth. The fact might be that I feel sad sometimes or estranged from God's love or from my mother, but the truth is that they are always FOR me and neither of them will forsake me in my weakness. No matter what happens, every situation I face is a testimonial and living proof of their steadfast goodness in my life, if I will only be open to realizing that.
In my darkest depair that fateful day, I was reminded in the stark silence to "Go Home" because I've been running from what is true. . .and I've been making my clumsy way back there every day since, even in the smallest ways. . .listening more, being a better friend, facing things I'm afraid of, learning to let go, doing what I say I am going to do, making use of constructive criticism, loving despite circumstance, laughing every chance I get, being thankful to God constantly. . .
It's funny how synchronistic things can be once you become aligned once again with what is right. Since I made those decisions that day, my life has had so much more meaning than it has had in a long time. . .or maybe it's not that it is suddenly "much more meaningful" but more that I am in a position now which allows for truth and goodness to invade my whole being without prideful or blind restraint. . .
I am more open to God's voice. Not that he wasn't speaking the whole time.
There is a quote which has spoken me very deeply:
"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
And so I'm blossoming. . . despite the sacrifice, discomfort and complexity.
It's worth it.
Anyways, I do think that making any life altering decision to start over is the hardest part, but even after the decision, it requires one to dedicate him/herself to the arduous and tedious task of paying attention to that choice every second after, to monitor the direction of your heart in moments you feel like giving in and to train the habit of our faith. Afterall, our moods have a tendency to rebel against our true self. I really like this C.S. quote which says exactly that, but more eloquently.
"Faith is the art of holding on to the things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods."
So, I will try "my hardest" :) to hold on to writing consistently, not only because discipline is a good practice, but because it makes my true self happy, despite the fact that my mood tells me I don't feel like doing it.
And that, my friends is my first post.
I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July.
LOVE!
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