My True Self Happy

I've been terrible about being consistent in blogging, but I am trying to be better at being faithful about a lot of things, so here is my mere attempt at that virtue. . .
My brother and I had a conversation the other day in which he told me to "get my shit together." in which I replied, "I'm trying." He then said, "Well, try harder." . . . I said, "Ok, that's fair enough. I can take that." (He is very straight forward and covered in tattoos, but underneath it all, he means well and is filled with an unusual amount of kindness.)

He loves me, or else he wouldn't have said that. I know that about him, if I may know nothing else.

So, this is me trying harder, I suppose.

For those of you who don't know this (which I presume is a lot of the people reading this--God I hope someone is reading this. haha.) Monday June 22, 2009 was the start of a brand new life for me. My mom and I reconciled after years and years of turmoil. It happened over a 4 hour phone conversation which begun at 6am, but a beautiful and healing conversation nevertheless. :) I decided that day that I would be honest with myself no matter how difficult it might be, that I would never again compromise myself for anyone or anything else, that I would accept my blood family despite their flaws and not look for family in any other family except my own, and that no matter how imperfect my mother may have been, she is still my mother and I have been unfair in believing that she didn't deserve a second chance or that she could actually have changed in all this time we've been a part. I have coined it, "The conversation of my life" and now that we are bonded again, it seems that no matter what happens to me, as long as I know she is on my side, I can conquer anything. I also decided that day that I would not allow any man or relationship to replace or come between the relationship I have with God. God is God. There is no love like his and there is nothing like my own family. I realized that no matter what happens at the end of the day, they will both be there with open arms, and no matter how far I run or where I go, that is still true.

Just because something is a seeming reality or fact, doesn't mean it is truth. The fact might be that I feel sad sometimes or estranged from God's love or from my mother, but the truth is that they are always FOR me and neither of them will forsake me in my weakness. No matter what happens, every situation I face is a testimonial and living proof of their steadfast goodness in my life, if I will only be open to realizing that.

In my darkest depair that fateful day, I was reminded in the stark silence to "Go Home" because I've been running from what is true. . .and I've been making my clumsy way back there every day since, even in the smallest ways. . .listening more, being a better friend, facing things I'm afraid of, learning to let go, doing what I say I am going to do, making use of constructive criticism, loving despite circumstance, laughing every chance I get, being thankful to God constantly. . .

It's funny how synchronistic things can be once you become aligned once again with what is right. Since I made those decisions that day, my life has had so much more meaning than it has had in a long time. . .or maybe it's not that it is suddenly "much more meaningful" but more that I am in a position now which allows for truth and goodness to invade my whole being without prideful or blind restraint. . .
I am more open to God's voice. Not that he wasn't speaking the whole time.

There is a quote which has spoken me very deeply:

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

And so I'm blossoming. . . despite the sacrifice, discomfort and complexity.
It's worth it.

Anyways, I do think that making any life altering decision to start over is the hardest part, but even after the decision, it requires one to dedicate him/herself to the arduous and tedious task of paying attention to that choice every second after, to monitor the direction of your heart in moments you feel like giving in and to train the habit of our faith. Afterall, our moods have a tendency to rebel against our true self. I really like this C.S. quote which says exactly that, but more eloquently.

"Faith is the art of holding on to the things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods."

So, I will try "my hardest" :) to hold on to writing consistently, not only because discipline is a good practice, but because it makes my true self happy, despite the fact that my mood tells me I don't feel like doing it.
And that, my friends is my first post.

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July.
LOVE!